You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
