I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
