i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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