I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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