I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
organizing the empties. That sober.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
