Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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