sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
