Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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