He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
