someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
