I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
