Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
