I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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