i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
