Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
