I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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