And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
