I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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