my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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