i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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