My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
my liver is dry heaving
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
