There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
