there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
