the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
