Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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