Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
