I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i now understand why vodka
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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