On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
