Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
operation have a gay friend backfired
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
