at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
