she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
