i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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