In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
