I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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