Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
