bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
