fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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