Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
