I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
