i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
