seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
