Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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