every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
