Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
