he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Two words: blizzard sex
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
