I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
