Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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