Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
