I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
