i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
