Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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