bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
